It hasn't really occurred to me until this very moment, as I watch the new Nightmare of Elm Street (2010) trailer for the umpteenth time, but the glut of remakes that currently plague our theaters (more specifically horror-inspired remakes) has much in common with this immortal stalk n' slash. Just as in the premise of each Nightmare film where the teenage protagonists are given the deadly choice between staying awake or suffering a grisly death sequence, we too are being given the choice between funding these often inane "homages" or fighting the monster in some sinisterly concocted finale. And, just like in the films, there are far too many of us who fall victim to the slasher, drifting asleep under the lull of action-packed trailers and the promise of something truly inspired (myself included).
Its funny when you think about, right? We're all just a bunch of teenagers (in spirit at least) fated to become Hollywood horror fodder like so many blonde-headed prom queens or long-chinned football jocks. So where's our Nancy? Who's destined to end the nightmare? *Yawn* Well, until then, I think I'll take myself a little nap.
I'm going to go ahead and tell you my friend, this movie is NOT going to be good. Why so misanthropic you ask? Why, I never thought you'd ask!
I like to use a little theory called Inductive Reasoning (reasoning from detailed facts to general principles). What are principles might you ask? Since we're talking Michael Bay and Company here, let us just break it down.
Principle - a determining characteristic of something; essential quality.
The definition coupled with my little theory of Inductive Reasoning suggests that if Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2003, Amityville Horror 2005 and Friday the 13th 2009 were mediocre slushies of sludge then A Nightmare on Elm Street 2010 is going to taste JUST as insipid. The same would apply to a math problem: If the first two equations have three as an answer then the third one will have a three as well.
Now, why so misanthropic you ask? Hmmmmm.
I too, kind sir, am yawning intensely! Lets just hope that when I fall asleep it's Robert Englund who comes to me in my dreams. Oh! and it's 1985 and I get to kick it with the Dream Warriors! Woo Hoo!